Mostly My Way.

So here's the truth...
Although we're expected to deny it.
Of course we want things our own way!!
Who wouldn't??
Yes,yes we all sprout that jazz about,
how its however you like it...
But in all honesty,
what we're really hoping..
is that it'll be exactly the way we want it!
We'll deny it of course
and perhaps to a certain extent we'll mean it
but in all honesty
of course we wish the world would do exactly what we say!!
Thats not to say we wont do it your way..
Coz we will!
And we'll probably keep quiet while doing so..
But please people,,enough with the delusions!!
Of course we all want everything our way
Its part of our human nature
We all have it
only the naive still deny it
So yes I want everything my way
so Sue me....
But if I must,,
I'll do it your way..
Sometimes simply just because you're you.

Who is Me??

It changed me ...
Of course it did...
How could it not??
I am not the me that was before
perhaps I'm not really even me anymore...
Who truly knows the truth??
Who knows what decisions lead where
and how emptiness and pain affect us everywhere.
I don't presume to know it all!
how could I
when I barely know me anymore..??
I am lost in thoughts
in feelings
pain...
I am lost to me
does hope remain??
I am me,
but is this me who I really am?
Who is me...

In Life all we Have are Our Hopes and Dreams
And the Strength of Our Determination...

Chasing Happiness

We pursue happiness with a voraciousness that will have us ignoring all else
our focus so solely aimed at what we perceive as a necessity
that we miss the quiet moments of happiness.
we miss the present point of joy,
too eager to get to where we want to be
we forget to appreciate where we are.
forgotten,forsaken,forever lost
precious moments we could of shared
next time don't be so fast to say goodbye....

Gossips

you sit and stare
you point and glare
knowing what others know not
you alone are wise to the truth
you alone have the right
sitting on your throne
deigning to look down below
freedom to speak your truth
spread your knowledge,
freedom to share your wisdom.
of course you are wrong though...
but you don't care
too bloated with your glory
who cares who gets hurt
whose lives you ruin on the way
your stories are facts,
your opinions truth,
your very role in life is spreading the news.
so here's a little advice....
although I'm sure that you know it.
Before you spread the stories,
your facts and your truths
make sure you know the validity of your beliefs and have proof
know the actual story ....
not simply the one your amazing imagination created
#just a helpful note my friend...

Lonely Noise

In a room full of faces
with countless noise around me
The only thoughts I hear are my own
No one understands me or the way I think or feel
They don't get the effort it takes to make my happiness seem real
sometimes i'm smiling
but deep within are tears
and no one knows this
as what scares me more than loneliness
is rejection from my peers
So even though I'm lonely and wanna shout it loud
I stand amongst the faces
and make some noise as well
to cover up my sorrow and my private living hell.

The Silent Hero

He wore his cloak around him like a shield of armour,
and it swirled around him encasing him more completely than the darkness he walked in
to an observer he appeared nothing more then a harried gentleman intent on his task
only he knew that the persona he reflected was a front.
an uninteresting ficticious personality to stem any unwanted attention
his task kept him seperate even from those he would love
drawing him ever further from the closeness of humanity he had once shared
He did not regret the outcome of his decision nor its affect on his life
He alone had the power to right the incredible wrong that was done so long ago.
and if he should suffer and fade into nothing because of his sacrifice then so be it.
rather his end than an endless torment for countless others.
if all that was needed to save millions was for him to be courageous and walk into the storm
then that was what he would do,that is what he was doing....
as he calmy glanced around him at the gathering storm
minutes,hours,days all rolled into this one moment
unsure of how long it would take,how long he would have to be courageous for
he took a breath as if drawing in the strength needed to continue.
I am afraid -he whispered once silently to himself
acknowledging for the first time the toll this task was taking on his soul
and then with the deepest of breaths as if by inflating his lungs to their ultimate limit
he could thereby hold on tightly to his courage.
and with not even the briefest of pauses he proceeded
I feel honored to know one such as he
to witness the fear and the honor and the overriding courage!
he fears his task but does not allow it to hinder him in his quest
here is one who will do what needs to be done
who will see that everyone is at peace before seeing to himself
here is the true hero..
The one who walks silently and bravely into the dark
acknowledging his fear,and yet for the lives and well beings of others
ignores his own inner qualms and sacrifices his happiness and his very life..
here is my hero
the silent unkown gentleman whose name gets lost in the fold
who seeks not glory or riches but rather does what needs doing with no thought for his own
My Saviour,The Secret Warrior for My Soul...

The Viscious River Met My Friend

The river floated idly by a lush green pasture
the animals grazing there savored their freedom
to eat and drink as much as they pleased.
they lived without fear
there was no hunters in their pasture
no men with their demands
women knew not of them
so alone in their pasture they lived at peace
and worshipped their gifts from the land
but there was a downside to the splendour
a balance that must be weighed
for every happy moment
a sorrow filled one unitedly came
the river once so idle
turned viscious in its fury
and spanning like a flame
ensnaring all the hapless
the weak and the mundane
it is the rivers right
of this they all agree
but still the sight is troubling
perhaps only to me
so how does one do it?
stand aside and watch the pain
how does one look on
as fear and pain drive all insane
I cannot idly watch
I cannot witness such a crime
to be swept so harshly down that river
while crying and screamin in vain
what kind of friend am I?
that you would ask me to do the same
to watch you suffer
hurts and fears
and idly let you drown,insane!
the fury of the river scares off the weaker friend
but I am more than shadow
more passionate till the end
think not of sacrifice
or peace at the finish
for this rivers journey
will strip your ever end
you will not find your glory
or be praised for your defeat
you will lose yourself
and all those you once called friend
when your strength and courage fail
and your submission the river meets..

Confidence versus Arrogance

There is such a thin line between confidence and arrogance, that I know many people that cross it without even being aware...

They don't believe their constant extolment of themselves in anyway resembles arrogance, they see it as merely a superior confidence than those too scared or naive to promote themselves. in short their pride out ways their modesty and they end up coming across as the very thing they profess themselves not to be -an arrogant individual who talks a good game but in reality is actually lacking in confidence, when you scratch beneath the surface you'll realize that all that awesome superiority is merely a thin veneer to mask their deep seated inadequacies. Deep down their really scared little boys and girls trying to be something they’re not!!promoting themselves, extolling their virtues, denying their faults....they become so enamored with being confident that they forget their actually not...one prick of their bubble and all that outshining confidence melts away as if it never was..

#Moral of the story-the most confident people in the world are those that do not feel the need to brag or extol on their confidence, they are aware that they are confident and realize that true confidence does not need to be flaunted or publically displayed...True confidence is discernible even when modesty keeps it hidden.

*Confidence is not achieved through your own promotion!*Extolling on your many virtues won't make you confident!!*Relating to the world the depth of your confidence does not make you confident. It only makes those around you aware of your complete lack of confidence, ending in pity or annoyance for your constant stream of positive virtues of yourself-basically annoyed at your arrogance#

Be Modestly Proud

Be Silently Confident

Be True To Who You Really Are....

I am a Proud and Confident Woman...Not because I show it..,but because deep down I know it.!

Hate from Within

I am Awed at your Stupidity,
Amazed at your Ignorance,
Blinded by your Negativity
and Confounded by your Hate
Till I realized you saw me as your Mirror
and so now,
I only Pity your Inner state...

"The Edge"

I am drawn towards the edge..
Unable to escape.
It whispers enticements into my ears
of Secrets and Wishes..
Promising more than hopes and dreams..
The Edge holds promise of Release
Closer,Closer...
Nearer still...
The Edge commands my will
Enthralled by visions of peace.
Drawn together..
ever nearer 
closer still
The Edge is my release..

Sleepless

Tossing and Turning
Throughout the night...
Struggling to sleep
without a fight.
All around me the World lies still
while inside my head,
against my will,
Battles rage
and thoughts plague me still
Constantly warring withing my head
Filling me up with constant dread.
Sleeplessly waiting for the final end
For my Rest to come with nights descent.

Can't Say,,,,

How Hard it is to say...
I'm Hurt,
I'm Broken,
I Need You.....
So Hard to speak the words...
To admit to Weakness in anyway
That deep inside I'm screaming..
My fears not held at bay.
They shred my deepest courage ..
and keep my hopes away..
and still I cannot say it...
Even though Its the only way
I'm Hurt
I'm Broken,
I need you...
Can't say....

Reality Revealed

I am often Saddened and Amazed
That nothing ever changes...
We switch our parts,and change the lines of our play
But in truth it always ends the same way......

The destruction of any one man comes not from outside influences but his inability within himself to fight back.

My Friend

My friend,
I cannot describe the way u look.
Nor how rich with wealth you are.
Its been so long since we first met
I notice not your changes.
... nor the differences we share.
For when I look
I see not hair or colour
Nor the size of you and your wealth
I witness only the beauty
Of your gorgeous inner self.

Ego full..

Too Many Ego's on board Will Sink the Ship..

Acceptance

If We Cannot Blush at our Past,Laugh at Our Present and Smile at Our Future. We live Without the most Important and Key Factor to Having a Full Life-Acceptance of Ourselves.

~Innocence~

Innocence is more than ignorance
More than presumption
Its the ability to remain light
Even when all around you its dark.
The Beauty of Purity
Even when knowledge tries to destroy it.
Innocence is strength in the face of Adversity
And Courage in the place of Fear
It is Unique,Unquestionable,Precious and Divine
It is also Yours Alone

*Laying There*

I lay there in the Dark and felt the tears escape..
Rolling silently down my face towards my hair as if ashamed...
The tears flow gently on their own..
As if they don't belong to me..
And I lay there,
Alone,
Unnoticed..
And afraid.
Can the tears from my eyes not be mine?
They flow without control..
Without rhyme and perhaps without reason..
I cannot stop the flow..
And The stream has nowhere else to go..
My hair captures the remains and hides the secrets of my tears
And I lay there,
Feelin each drop...
And Trying hard not to feel shame..
As My tears reveal my secrets..
My fears...
My pain...
And so I lay there,
Afraid and Unmasked
No more defenses to my name..
Drownin in my shame..
And quietly going insane..
And I lay there,
Lettin each tear flow
Feelin every hidden,secret blow..
Until Eventually the end.
And Still I lay there...
There's nowhere else to go...

The Mother

There was an awkward pause as with bated breath she turned her steely glare upon those in front of her.

"you presumed you knew more,assumed you were in the right,and in the end we have all been sentenced."

there was not a whisper as she quietly uttered the condemnation.none had any refuge from the truth of her statement.they stood before her unmasked and sure of the roles they each played in the destruction of the World.they were aware of the complexities of the issue and yet each had still participated as if unaware.

"I have no refuge for any of you,nor even myself.Your  actions have condemned us all.There is no more to be said on this matter,We shall each deal with the repercussions that will follow on our own.It is enough that you are now each aware.Leave now and Pray that by some grace your actions repercussions leave you untouched for if not then I fear for your very souls!Leave now before the sun streaks upon the dawning sky and the true faces of each of you is revealed,I no longer wish to have you in my presence.Be gone!"

It was with jerky and uncoordinated movements that each and every soul present left,,as if her damning words had removed their natural grace and stripped them bare of their former  elegance.They were no longer the proud and stylish group that just a few hours before had been ful of their own importance.

with her words she had stripped them of every form of beauty,charm and allure that made them special and unique.they were now only withered shells of their former Glory.Each knew that they had made the choice and so would have to live with the consequences and repercussions.and not a one of them believed they would be spared.There is no escape from the truth and secretly most knew deep within that this had always been the preordained outcome.none expected a reprieve.

They slipped away as silently as they had arrived and listened to her words.never turning to see if their neighbours followed suit.each too caught up in their own fears of repercussions that the jovial band they were a part of just moments ago now seemed nothing more than a myth or ancient memory.

She watched them leave each and every last one of them.not offering a comforting word or parting embrace to any.holding herself stiffly upright she knew that this would probably be the last they saw of each other but still she could not relax enough to say farewell.The damage was done,there was no escape and as she watched the last slowly retreat into the early gray morning mist she released the pent up air she'd not even known she was holding and whispered quietly to the Earth "It is Done,Forgive us All" Then she too slipped away.And it was as if there had never been a meeting on top of the grass bank of a cliff overlooking the ocean,no witnesses to swear that just moments ago the cliff was inhabited.not even a slight indentation to alert a watchful passerby of the previous inhabitants just moments ago....The wind whispered through the grass as if sharing the secrets of the nights assembly.or cautioning not to spread the tale.

The sun had risen enough to cast its yellow glow across the grassy bank highlighting the different hues in each strand of grass as if highlighting the various shades in a womens hair,Had anyone been passing by at that exact moment they would of called the sight majestic.

As it was no one witnessed this enchantment just as no one bore witness to the speech she had given and the crowd that had assembled to hear it.No one would ever know the decision that had been made or the choices that had brought it about.Far below the waves crashed noisely against the cliff as if in objection of this secret knowledge.but the elements had no power over the ruling and there was nothing to be done as once more the waves crashed more forcefully against the  cliffs in even bigger objection to it's powerlessness.It realized the futilety of its actions and went back to gently lapping at the cliffs as if washing away invisible tears.The wind and the sun having witnessed the oceans actions and its futilety knew there was nothing they could do either.But to at least mark the event in the only way how the sun called forth the heavens and requested they too mourn the decision.bringing forth tears in honour of the fallen.The sun then shone more brightly and the wind blew more strongly creating a beautiful and spectacular rainbow right on the grassy bank where moment ago She Who created us all Gave over power to us all.And had all her angels retreat from their thrones of importance to become nothing but shadow protectors of everyone.They had begun to believe themselves superior and She feared they would soon have been to far gone to be saved.Regardless of their actions They too were Her Children and She could not bear their complete destruction so instead had sentenced them to eternity as protectors of those beings they had once believed so far beneath them,And had sentenced herself to an eternity of Solitude with only the prayers of her children and the elements to ease her loneliness.She would listen and council but would never actively walk amongst her children again.They would know her only through prayer and Her creation of them all,And the Love She had for them All which was so strong that if one listened to the wind closely enough one would hear of our mothers powerful Love for Us and the Terrible Sacrifice She willingly mad to keep us all safe.For with Their self importance The Angels would of destroyed Us All,Including themselves and The Mother could not bear to witness the Destruction of every soul she held dear,Each Angel would be tasked with a complex and formidable mission to atone for the crimes they had each hoped to make.They would need to be courageous and unstoppable,as only at the successful completion of their missions would they each have learnt their lessons and be given eternal piece.The Mother though Angry and ashamed of their actions Still loved Her Children enough to give them each one last chance to learn from their mistakes.but their tasks would not be easy and Even the Mother was unsure of how many would succeed.But Succeed they must If they ever hope to be more then mindless shadows with no true power to protect.In reality they were merely watchers of the beings they had thought so weak.soon they would grow to love,worship and mourn for those beings As the Mother had always planned.Then their tasks would commence and on completeion they would learn that Their protection though at first forced upon them as a punishment is now were they Each felt necessary and needed.none would ever forsake the beings they had once looked down upon,as through those beings they learnt how to love,honour and worship The Mother who had created them all and in her ultimate Wisdom had enchained them to the very beings who would give their lives more meaning and who in their innocence of the Angels presence with them would teach them to love unconditionallly.They would come to know inner peace as they had never truly known it before.

The Mother smiles,She to is at peace and watching patiently over all her Children.They continue to learn and Love and She watches them All,And is Happy.

Her Ultimate plan for them is achieved.

Live,Love,Be Happy..All of My Children .

Family

It is not the blood we share

or the vows we make

that symbolize your place in my life.

its the echoes of you I keep in my Soul

and hold safe within my Heart

*Angel*

An Angel broke my heart

He Tore it from my very soul

Weakened me and allowed the dark within

Letting it consume me.

He Destroyed the fragility of my love

And belittled my trust.

An Angel broke my heart

But I mended it anyway.

,,Tortured,,

I'm tortured and struggling.
I feel as if I want to rip out my hair
Everyday the need within me grows
Till I feel consumed by it
Like a growing flame ....
It ignites deep inside
Spreading so swiftly....
There's no place for me to hide
My own Mind is no longer safe.
The echoes in my Mind
Are so loud....
I'm adrift in a sea of agony
They reverberate throughout me like tortured screams of pain.
A cacophony of sorrow
So constant I'm unsure of when my own Screams joined the fray.
I'm drowning.....
Sinking into the murky depths..
Of a Paralyzing struggle for my very Soul!
I am in a torture chamber within my Mind
Only there is no hope for Release,No Reprieve
There Is only Me.

..In My Mind..

Thoughts plague my mind
Keepin the mercy of sleep from my reach.
I feel torn into pieces by the thoughts running through my head
As if their very presence causes me pain
And in truth they do.
I am unable to function,unable to even breath...
The feelin of Hysteria lies close to the surface
My very skin feels stretched and taut by the thoughts in my head
As if its all that lies between them and release..
My hair lies heavy on my scalp
And the urge to tear it off teases me painfully
This is torture
I am being tortured by my own mind
And all that it conceives...
I am a prisoner In my Body,In my Head,In my very Soul..

Dead Dog

I would tell you to Roll over and Die
But you'd probably act like the Dog you are and simply play dead!!

Without Definition

The Colour of my Skin or Eyes
The Shape of my Thighs
and the Texture of my Hair..
None of this defines me
I am Still Me-be it Bald,Blind or Bare!!

~My Play~

You may feel like my story is for you
But in reality your role is rather small

The script,cast and credits
Are all echoes of my soul....
You did not write this story

Nor inspire it at all

And Your presence in my play

Is completely in my control

You may sprout your own lines

and walk your own way
But  your cue's stem from me
You're just a player in my play
So take care,or you may very well miss its end
This is My play,My story

and Scripted as i say
Players are just the extras

the only Permanent role,I play!

Brand New Day

I'm not gonna think about yesterday
Or worry about tomorrow
Not gonna reminisce
Or mourn for what's lost
Today is my life's beginning.
The story unfolds
And the journey begins
And all that's come and gone
Is no more...
Today I finally close the door.
Tomorrow has yet to come
And for that I am grateful
As Today is where I am
And Patiently I await the future.
No more worries,no longer afraid.
Thinking and Mourning no more...
Joy truly comes in the morning...
And the sun has risen in me.
This is my brand new day
I, Am the brand new day
Today..

# S*iT #

I f you knew you were going to do shit,then why the hell didnt you go to the toilet!!!

*FACT*

My Ass is Old,My Soul is Tired and My Heart Now Takes More Care.

~HIDDEN~

I witnessed reality the other day and

Having always lived in dreams

Astounded was my name

The way it crept up on me

Encroached upon my sane

You wouldn’t know me anymore

Of that i’m truly sure

Under all the glamour my heart is here no more… !

....The Road to Me....

Who I was
where I'm from
Beautifully created who I am today.
It May not have been pretty Or sweet
But sometimes neither am I.
I am strengthened by my experiences
Wizened by my past mistakes
And proud of the battles I won
And those that I lost.
As They signify my journey..
My Victories and my losses all tell the story
The good and the bad
Are all part of The road to me.

To My Friend

Back when the day could not begin without a goodmorning.
Couldn't end without a Goodnight
When Each day felt new
And Every moment was Savoured,Sacred,Special...
When there was only you and I....
When WE was how every sentence began..
And OURS the end of every line..
When life was simple and expected
And Love our battle cry

When dreams just continued our story

And life held no Goodbye

That was when I loved you

And couldn't see it's end

That was when I still called you Friend..

...Seeking Answers...

Not every story has an ending

Nor every question a reply

We may not like the truth of this

But from it, we will not die

So though it may seem annoying

And peeve you till no end

Sometimes the questions answer…

Is better left unsaid

The story may simply be starting

And not even fully begun

So why look for the ending

When the reading is still fun??

Missed Moments

Through my lens I capture the beauty of an instant.
But as the shutter clicks I miss 5 more..
Moments lost in time...
I blinked for but an instant and lost it...
So swift and fleeting are these moments 

That even now I am unsure…

Were they moments of reality

Or moments from a dream... ?

Have I missed My Moment?

Or merely just that one ?

Am I missing moments through my lens?

Or capturing them for a lifetime?

These moments are my own

And yet I may be missing them….

Are my moments lost in time…?

...Being You...

The thing about understanding someone is that you have to completely put yourself in their shoes.

How can you hope to understand what a person’s thoughts and feelings are if you won’t understand and recognize their situation .

When trying to get to know someone and to fully understand them, I try to completely immerse myself in what that persons thoughts and feelings may be…

I imagine what my reactions and feelings would be should I have been the one in that situation.

I’m not saying this works all the time,as of course everyone is different but sometimes if you focus on the reasons why someone does something you can better understand them and their reasoning.

When I write about certain subjects or issues I place myself in that role I imagine what I would have felt or done had I been faced or suffered whatever I write about, be it loss , pain , love , parenting etc…

I put myself in others shoes to better learn the route they are taking and why...

It helps me to understand a person and to empathize with their feelings.

As if I could say –“I know you coz I’ve been where you’ve been, felt what you feel.” But in reality I’m only feeling what they feel and imagining myself in their situation…   

All  I’m doing is trying to be you for a moment to better know you for a lifetime.. 

Undefined

Our perception is not always reality

And our reactions sometimes perverse

However we are who we are

Insane or sane

We are different in every way

Contrary and diverse even alone

Functioning and behaving completely on our own

We are unique

Unrivaled and rare

We are the epitome of humanity

Completely unexplainable…

No True End

So often the end of something does not bring us the conclusion we hoped it would

Sometimes the end is not even the end

But merely the new beginning, the next stage of a process as yet undefined by us .

What we presume to be the end, most often is simply the prelude..

The pause in time until what’s meant to be shall be…

It is the adjusting stage..

Time for us to come to terms with what is about to happen

To make our peace with it and to learn to embrace it fully…

Death is only the beginning,

Heartbreak is necessary to teach you to love deeper,

Loss of employment a sign to move on to bigger and better .

There is no true end…

Uncaring

All around me the world is moving

twisting and turning,

Dragging me along in its wake

Right beside me people are dying,crying,abused everyday

While others look on and pretend not to see.

Time has no authority here

No voice to break the cacophany

of screams

There is no end to it and its reality,

No pause to ease the suffering.

Time is observed but not heeded

Abuse is recognized but Ignored

No voice seems loud enough to penetrate the iron curtain of pretense

no moment significant enough to alter the outcome

All around me the world moves on

Not caring who gets left in its wake.

There is no end...

My Best Friend Is Me

So today I'm just gonna write down the first thing that pops into my head, as I write which is what I'm writing now.... lol

The beauty of this is that it can actually help reveal what we have plaguing our minds,

With the release comes clarity...

So even though I'm not actually sure where this note will end up the truth is I don't actually care I'm typing straight off my mind letting the words flow out of me on their own accord and with each letter I type I feel as if a little more of me is released into the world (In a good way of course)

I love to write it’s as if my writing understands me...It’s the friend I turn to when the whole world seems to be against me...My confidant...My ally...My best friend...Which when you come to think about it really means that I am my own best friend...

And no I don’t find that sad or bizarre who could I trust more than myself??

If one really thinks about it being one’s own best friend has some serious advantages...

Complete Trust and Honesty

Faithfulness and Support...

Reliability....

We would never let ourselves down or betray ourselves in anyway...

In reality it’s the perfect solution...so when you look in the mirror and think you're alone in reality you're not...

You're with your best friend and as such your best friends the best coz they're there with you always...

So when you need to talk to your best friend I advise that you take a piece of paper and begin as such-

Dear Best Friend....

Then simply let whatever plagues you flow out onto the paper...and at the end of your letter you will find that writing to your best friend will have brought you clarity and perhaps even a reply...

It doesn’t matter if you don't believe me or think it’s crazy...My best friend thinks you stupid for believing so!! :)

I am my own best friend and that does not mean I'm friendless it simply means at the end of the day I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can trust myself more than anyone else on Earth, and yes My best Friend and I sometimes do stupid things and regret them the next day but we never fail to learn from our mistakes and at least we did them together :)

My best friends not the type to jump off a bridge and say follow nigga follow. My best friend will stand beside me holding my hand screaming let’s do this shit :) lol

I think we're lucky when we learn to trust ourselves first..!

Coz how can we hope to trust others when we can’t even trust ourselves??

Trust begins from within...

• I trust myself to do crazy shit but to always try to learn from my mistakes...
• To never intentionally harm myself or others...
• To try to always be honest with myself..
• To love myself for who I really am and not pretend to be someone I'm not!
• To try to ascertain when I deserve more than whatever I'm receiving..
• To stand up for myself...
• To protect myself from harm...
• And to always remember my own worth.

If I can do all this for myself then I will always be happy.

And the people in my life will learn from my example.

My best Friend is Me :)

And that’s awesome. Coz me trusting me means I'm ready to trust you too...

*Trust is such a small word, That so many take it for granted as if its diminutive form in anyway relates to its importance, without trust we have nothing, In any relationship we enter into, it is a necessary requirement whether that be between Parent and Child or even Employer and Employee. We all need to be able to trust each other. Only with trust can we hope to proceed.... So trust first from within and then you'll be better equipped to trust others. *

~Live, Love, Be Happy~

.....Alone....

I dont wanna talk,
I dont wanna write,
I dont wanna act out
all that is wrong.
Wanna sit in my room
with my radio on,
blaring my music from song to song.
Don't interupt or communicate at all.
This is my time
to forget all the world.
So leave me alone
don't even wave
as I do just what I want..
in my own special way
wallowing in silence
while listening to songs
thinking of things that sadly went wrong..

*Sometimes we just need time alone to assimilate all that goes on in our lives...it's not a bad thing and sometimes withdrawing from public can bring one clarity.in the end its often necessary to the moving on and healing process.. *

~Cherished~

 Its been so long now who can even remember how it all began??
We lived through Sorrow,Joy,Happiness and pain
Spent years learning the ins and outs of each other..
Throughout my life,You've been my constant
My never failing source of peace, Of strength and Love
The very reason it all began
Fortified and strengthened
Loved and cherished by you...

Beautifully loved always by you..

And so its no wonder I cherish you too

*For Naldo and Jenna*

Family Weekend away

My Latest Hairdo :)

Mind over Matter

Imagine if we wrote down every little thought that came into our minds would we become an open book or merely a parrot of our own minds...
Would our minds lead us instead of our hearts??
who then would be the master..
Who would be calling the shots...
Me or my Mind...??

*I think that sometimes we Get to overrule our minds when our heart or our own impulses compels us too...We are the Masters of Our World!*

Perfectly Imperfect Just like me

I have a ring that was almost stolen and due to its brief abduction it consequently lost one of its diamonds, which of course obviously pissed me off.Until I realised that my Ring was now Perfectly Imperfect Just Like Me..
We all have our flaws that we prefer to Hide and I could of hidden My Ring away always regretting the missing diamond and thereby spiting myself the joy of simply appreciating what I have left.But I actually realised that like me My Ring has its flaw/s but its beauty remains nonetheless
So missing diamond and all My Ring is here to stay and be seen Just like I'm still here..
..Perfectly Imperfect.. Always.....

Monday 13-06-2011

Its Monday.....
I am currently suffering...
practically in silence!
Since the reason I'm suffering is due to the fact that I can barely speak..
And I'm feeling ill :( *Sigh*
To top it off I am currently at work how unfair is that??? again *Sigh*
So let me skim through my weekend...
I went to Durban to visit my friends.and had a pretty quiet Friday evening went to Cuba lounge at Gateway and met up with 2 of my favorite people Dazz and Kitt :) yay
oh and Ryan.....oooops.....lol
chilled with them for a bit doing a catch up and then went home to sleep...
Saturday had a pretty relaxed day did my hair and then went and chilled with my friend Kita for most of the afternoon before going back home to get ready for the evening
spent a few hours chatting with my friend and old roomate before leaving to meet up with my friend Johnnie and his gf as we had plans to go out coz it was his birthday on Sunday..
Ended up going to the club and as usual I danced all night...
met up with a few friends in the club and partied all night johnnie and his gf ended up leaving early and i stayed and carried on partying with the cousin of a friend of mine that I just met on Saturday His name is Ali and he's really nice and we got on welll...We ended up partyin till about half 5-6 before heading to steers to get something to eat.his friend Ash joined us.was nice I love meeting new people :) anyway i got home at about 6:45 was so bugged tired i couldnt even jump into bed and tried to get to sleep but everyone decided to contact me really early starting with my sis phonin me around 8am i nearly died from that :( ay and then everyone fb messaged me :( *Sigh* less then 4hrs sleep and I had to still drive back home which is just over an hour away lets just say i wanted to sleep and drive!! :( ay
So I had a really awesome time but am completely bugged and need to recuperate for next week ;) lol and I have no voice which was missing from the time I woke up yesterday or rather gave up trying to sleep....lol
But anyway thats my weekend in a nutshell.... lol i know I'm crazy but I love it :)
lol mwahs

Life Reviewed

My Visitor of Yesterday only made it in Today and after a fairly nice chat he asked for my no so that he could invite me out for a drink sometime and also mentioned they were planning a barbecue/braai soon...
when mentioning this to my friends.... the psycho's all got excited and started saying i should go out with him etc... lol no control really 8o lol hahaha but anyway i could see they were al happy for me to be meeting someone nice and new and different but I don't want people to assume that its going anywhere coz odds are it won't it was just a friendly invite from a guy new to a country and missing his home...Simple!! lol
Super excited about work plans my bosses have decided to purchase a program for my sole use to design the interiors of kitchens and bedrooms so I shall deal with that side of the business since they don't have any time due to dealing with the construction side of things,,,...,,,So i'm really looking forward to it..
On a more annoyed note someone irritated me just now and it made me realise something...
about friendship,life and love...
If you are not willing to work as hard as I will then I will no longer work at all...!!
I refuse to be the poor fool constantly trying while the world sits back and watches my struggles..
I have finally gotten to a point in my life where i realised i deserve and should receive more and now i won't accept less!!
and so if all you have is a miserly piece of yourself to share with me well then save it for the next fool...
coz without you sharing with me I aint sharing nada with you!!
And i'm happy to reach that conclusion finally its about damn time.... :) lol
*ps this is only for those i actually wanna share with....lol if we not sharing or caring well then whose worried?? :) lols mwahs
My heart is Protected by the Experiences of my Past!

A Visitor....

As I write this I am currently expecting a customer at work Originally from Lithuania
He's on his way to collect an invoice I made for work he wants my company to do for him..
He's in South Africa working for Doctors without Borders,,
He seems nice but it's so strange cause he's saved my work no under my name and everytime I call him he answers saying hello Sasha... lol
its a little bizarre,,knocked the wind out of my usual proffessional greetin the first time it happened...lol
now on a bizarre note his imminent arrival had me...touching up my hair and make up...
yes I repeat touching up my hair and make up....
I know...-so embarrassing....lol
But anyway I don't think its attraction coz I'm not really sure I am attracted to him...
I think its more the wanting to appear to my best advantage especially since he likes to talk to me and is aware that my name is actually Russian :) lol so few people actually know this..which is sad...
Also its correct pronounciation is actually Saasha... so far only my American friend Will and now my Lithuanian friend Andrius pronounce it as such....
Anyway so I'm sticking to the wanting to appear presentable as my reason for embarrassing touch ups of today.... lol
Ok its probably official now from this that I'm crazy.... lol but oh well who cares my life has become interesting and fun :) and since I love to travel whose to say I won't end up visiting Lithuania.....lol
Life's about Opportunities and possibilities....
Try not to miss them... :)
lol mwahs
Will probably keep you posted............ hahahahahahaahaha lol

FulL oF Life

Why is it that at Funerals you'll always hear the people say of the deceased
'They were so full of life "
as if being full of life accounts for why they're no longer alive....??
Seriously shall we all then be dull and boring ??
Shall we then live longer??
LoL
Coz its always those that are so full of life that seem to leave early...
perhaps they used up to much of their life being so full of life....
but seriously when have you ever heard anyone at a funeral say that the deceased was lacking in life??
lol it's an intriguing concept....
thats all i'm saying....
lol
but anyway how would one even go about being lacking in life??
lol
Google here I come :)
hahahaha lols

Definition

I often like to look for the defintion to any given situation
but how often does defining something detract from the overall reality of it??
Am I a seeker of definition or its creator..??
And does merely defining something limit it..
Or Expand its Potential??
Could one Proceed without Definition??
Are We simply the Definition of a life in this World??
Perhaps Definition does limit us...
Or perhaps it simply reveals what we never believed...
That theres no Simplistic Definition for one such as You and Me...

Inspiration

Are you Inspired??
Or are you the Inspiration..?
Life is about Inspiration..
Either find your Inspiration
or be the one to Inspire...

Time

Do not mourn for too long
on what was lost...
Or you may end up losing out
on whats to come...

The Script-Nothing lyrics

 [Verse 1]
Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I'm better off now
Then I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can see where this is gonna end
But they all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred,
So I dialed her number and confessed to her,
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing...)

[Verse 2]
So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know I'm with her face to face, that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step and path leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting
She'll take me back for sure

[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred,
So I dialed her number and confessed to her,
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing...)
She said nothing (nothing nothing)
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing
Nothing
I got nothing
Nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

[Verse 3]
Oh sometimes love's intoxicating
Oh you're coming down your hands are shaking
When you realise there's no one waiting

Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred,
So I dialed her number and confess to her,
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing (nothing, nothing...)
She said nothing (Nothing, nothing...)
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing (Nothing, nothing...)
I got nothing (Nothing, nothing...)
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing (Nothing, nothing...)
I got nothing, I got nothing

Freedom of Writing

I write as if the words are the windows to my soul

as if my thoughts and feelings can no longer be contained.

they stream out of me as if their release will bring me clarity.

and perhaps its true..

perhaps what I write reveals more then I really knew

not only for me but for you too..

whatever the reason,all I know is this..

my words are my own

I do not seek your attention nor a Throne

I simply speak of what lies within

whether you like it or not

its more then a whim!!

so I will keep writing as long as I feel

or until my words no longer flow..

Either or its not about score

to me my writing is not a joke

so like it or not its here to stay.!

And thats all I'm going to say!

Sails to Destiny

I looked at a picture of myself and I saw the scars and the battles,
the sadly remembered pain
But through my tears I'm smiling
and I,
Will feel no shame
For what was,what is and what will be...
Was never completely my domain
I am a ship upon the sea
And freely I'll admit,,
that for a while you had control
But thats no longer true
coz now I am the captain
the leader of this sea
and truthully it scares me
coz now my sails are me..

*We all end up wherever we allow ourselves to sail-We are the sails to our own destiny*

Truth

I have my imperfections and I have not escaped some pain..But truthfully i'm moving and I'd do it all again

Welcome to Me

i don't do drugs smoke or drink, i am a blood donar but my irons been very low for the last few months so havent donated for a while. i signed up to be an organ donar while livin in england should i die,not sure where to sign here in SA. i'd willingly shave my head for cancer since its one of my biggest fears and high risk factor for me... my moms had it twice my dads sis died from it as well as both my grandfathers and my moms sis has had a hysterectomy and now has cancer in her stomach and who knows where else... i check my breast every week fearful of finding a lump... i read alot-fiction novels.romances sci fi's i'm in love with vampires :$ lol i love dancing and normally when at a club thats where you'll find me on the dance floor,i love books music tv and movies and yes its different coz i know not many people like it all but i do... lol i'm eclectic in music tastes from classic to blues to r&b and i love eminem ;) lol and i'm a complete chocoholic chocolate makes the world better ;) lol i dont drink coffee or coke and rarely drink tea but have been recently coz my office is freaking cold.. i love to drink pepsi when i drive distances coz the caffeine in it keeps me awake and i love havin sweeets in my car when i drive like suckers streamers etc oh and i love nougat.and chocolate cake is my fav.. lol.i have never nor will ever eat tripe,hate liver and am highly fussy about my eating habits i wont eat food leftover 2 days after it was first cooked,i have weird compulsive issues about some stuff and am highly paranoid about food bein off ,if my mind believes th bread is stale or milk is off i can't bring myself to eat them. its weird i know lol but i literally cant do it.i hate people puttin their fingers in my food and wont eat it if they do it even puts me off eating... lmao ok theres loads more but that should keep you busy for a while... hahahahahaha welcome to the crazy messed up world of Sasha :) lol mwahs oh and i wear contact lenses i'm seriously blind... lol but its cool coz my eyes make up for it by changin colour ;) lol from brown to green and everythin in between :) lol

It goes away

It goes away you know...
The strength it takes to move on...
it goes away...
not completely...
The trust issue will always be there but the strength of that decision will weaken...
when you home alone and all you wanna do is turn and hold and talk to your ex...
it goes away...
but when it does remember this..
if it was meant to work it really would not have been as hard as it was..
you would not have been hurt so much in it if it was right..
and that though you miss them..
Eventually they'll miss you more...
coz you deserve better and you will get it once you learn not to settle for less
It goes away...
But like them you need to learn to let it.
and eventually the pain and loss
it to goes away...

Not just a pretty face

A note to people larger than me

Yes some may say my ass is skinny,some may even agree
And yes I may eat what i want and binge to a certain degree
without the fear of gaining weight or dreaded issues with clothes..
but the truth of the matter is my friend and surely you'll agree
that one day you'll be much more luckier than me..

For though my ass is skinny and shopping is a dream..
what people see when they look at me isnt my heart or my grace..
It's my skinny ass and my face...

So while you may one day find and marry your very perfect plan..
my poor future man......
will fall for my ass and face and then consequently watch them lose the race
when time and age makes clear to all why inside beauty is worth more than Gold!

So dwell not on my skinny ass or face for neither will remain
when life intrudes upon their beauty no beauty shall remain...
So spare a thought next time my friend for what you may perceive
i may have the body and the face but you will win this race..
for while my outside beauty attracts so many...
very few shall actually remain...
when beauty leaves my ass and face so to shall all the rest

But with your inner grace and beauty you shall find the best.
for faithfulness is never attracted to just an ass or a face
So take heed and witness your victory in this race
When you find he who loves you best
 forgetting all the rest
never caring for ass or face instead supports you through the race.

*You my Friend Are Lucky* and jealous of you I am....

Stolen

It's Gone....
It was something I never knew I had
A Gift I didn't really get to open or give to someone on my own
My present so beautifully hidden
I hadn't known about it until it was gone.
So fragile and precious was my Gift that as soon as it was taken it broke...
Leaving me with not only the realisation of what i'd had..
But the fact that i had it no longer
My Gift was Special...
It was meant to be treasured but was not..
And now i treasure the memory of it's loss as if holding onto my gifts theft would keep my gift with me always..
but the memory only keeps the pain of loss alive and strong..
My Gift was special in its innocence
special in its beauty..
But its theft was not!
And holding onto it only reminds me off my loss..
So though its hard...
and so though it almost kills me
I release my loss from my memory..
I will never forget my Gift and that it was stolen..
But i refuse to let the thief take anymore from me...
So take what you took thief and plague me no longer!!
you cannot have my soul...!

Silence

Its as if the world is paused
No movement
No sound..
Not even a whisper..
As if everything and everyone is waitin..
Expecting..
Something...
For me its different..
I don't feel expectant...
Nor am I patiently waitin..
I find this pause hard..
I don't exactly fear it.
But it shows me reality..
And the truth is I fear that...
Its not Golden
Or peaceful
Its quiet and lonely!

Walkers licence

So the start of my morning the other day was interrupted on my drive to work by a retarded individual who decided to walk across into my lane while looking the other way 8o can anyone explain to me why it is there are so many idiotic pedestrians on the road.....?? as he was not the first in recent weeks in fact theres been at least 2 a week!! which is a rather high no when you think of it
I say they should create a licence to be allowed to walk on the roads and that you have to take a test and everything and only once you'd passed would you be able to walk on roads...
and for those without the licence...they should hide and walk through bushes and on side roads...
honestly perhaps if they created a test less idiots would then be knocked or killed.!!
only children are exempt from this of course,
And drunk drivers are always the guilty party!!! there is no excuse!!
Either then that licence the bums!!!
oh and do you know he had the nerve to say thank you for havin hooted and stopped to alert him to his imminent danger!!! the Dick!!!
Anyway i didnt knock him so my car is fine and hence he lived to see another day...lol

Fear of the known

If one really knew ones destiny would we head straight for it as if charging into battle or steer cautiously away from where we now know we're heading....??

They say we fear the unknown but i think thats incorrect i think the truth is we fear the known.
kids are afraid to look under their beds not because they don't know whats there but because they suspect what may be and thats what they fear... they're not afraid of something they don't know but of all that they do.
The same goes fo adults we don't really fear what we dont know coz we dont really know what it is or when and where its coming from and by the time something different or new  happens to us we so busy dealing with it we dont even realise that we were meant to fear it..

So what we really fear isn't the unknown but all that we know... we fear Monsters...Helplesness.....and Evil....
Because we know they exist and truthfully that scares us all....